If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
