Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
