it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
