Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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