the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
