I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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