Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
