1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
