Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
