so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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