I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
