I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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