OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
