hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
