why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
