How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
