I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
