First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
