my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
