Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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