Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
