I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
