The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
