sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
