I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
