My sheets look like a crime scene.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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