Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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