i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
