Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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