ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
