Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
