I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
