I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
