someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
