Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.