I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be