and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
