1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
