my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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