Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
