I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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