also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
