I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
