Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
