I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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