I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
