Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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