So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
