I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
