your room smells of hookers.
And success
I'm drive I can fine osifer
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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