Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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