Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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