Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
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Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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