Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
