Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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