2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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