I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
