I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
